"On a break"

So, it's been quiet. I'm in the field. I'm doing well healthwise--my eating is probably as "normal" as it ever has been and I'm exercising regularly but not excessively. So, go me.

On another front, things feel like they're falling apart a bit.

Match and I are sort of broken up, as of this past week. "Sort of" meaning that we're doing a 3 month break while we reassess somethings, then we'll reassess. I'm both relieved and a bit bereft, even though I'm the one that insisted on this. Such is life.

Again

It appears I might have pneumonia again. Get it together, body, you're being pampered now, remember?

Great article on body fluctuations and why body-checking is torture

So, body-checking (specifically with my stomach and, to a lesser degree, arms) is one thing I'm still really struggling with, even though I've made tons of progress on many other things. I wanted to share this article, because it speaks to a lot of those issues and I felt like it was a useful/healthy thing for me to read this morning:
'These "Bad" Changes to Your Body (and Weight) Are Perfectly Normal'

This is a really tough habit to break, and is one of the reasons I got my new recovery tattoo on my upper arm (serves to usurp body-check as a reality check).

love y'all

NEDAW and Other News

So, just had a great weekend with Match. We had a couple of big Talks after things were so rocky at the end of the holiday break, and it all feels like it's right again now.

So, ED update . . .  I feel . . . really fucking good. My hair is awesome right now. My skin is awesome right now.

I'm still hungry all the time. Seriously. Like it never stops. I've upped my "baseline" (meaning never go under that number) calorie standard and have often had extra on top of that, without gaining any more weight. Still having gross night sweats and hot flashes. But I do feel way more energized, and to be super cliché, "alive" than I did a few months ago.

I deleted my calorie-tracking app from my phone. I still know the calories in things and run tallies in my head at each meal, but I do think it's helping not to be obsessed with recording everything.

Haven't weighed myself in weeks and H. FINALLY convinced my physician to quit weighing me in the office. When I worked with H. in college I gained dozens of pounds without anyone monitoring my weight; I sort of need to be free of that to do well.

Part of my reduced exercise plan is going to a couple of group classes at the gym with a friend each week (i.e., it becomes social and there is a defined ending time designed for real nondisordered people). We picked a spin class, and it is INTENSE.

And you know what? I feel like energized exerted afterwards, not "omg I hope I can make it home to my planned measured dinner without passing out first."

Also, I am starting to like that I look more like a girl in clothes. Spending a weekend with Match brought LOTS of affirmation on the body image front. After a couple of days he even had ME appreciating how new curves look on me. He's a persuasive fellow, that one.

Moodwise, pretty good. I'm busy with work but not overwhelmed and am doing a lot more social things regardless of the food situation. My puppy is still AMAZING and the most adorable creature ever to exist.

That's me. I'm also sharing a few more National Eating Disorders Awareness Week things publicly on Facebook and Twitter this year. I feel like the people that actually matter to me are generally enlightened enough to handle that, you know? I haven't made any of it personal, but I know it's revealing at least to some degree to even know what NEDAW is.

Also I am IN LOVE with my new tattoo. Another picture soon.

Love y'all, happy NEDAW 2016!

B12

So something is going on: I’m having numbness in two of the fingertips on my right hand. At first it was just my index finger and now it’s in the middle finger a bit too. It started maybe a week or so ago and has gotten worse.

Some Googling immediately turned up ‘pernicious anemia’ as a cause, which, from what I read, is the type caused by low B12. I’m still totally clueless as to why my B12 levels have fallen since last semester (when they were already on the very low side of normal). This past week I started taking a B12 supplement, but the numbness has been getting worse, not better. I’m still eating well and haven’t upped exercise or dropped weight. I’m not sure what else I could be doing to make it improve. You get B12 from animal products, and I've upped my meat and full-fat dairy consumption since last semester, so I have no clue.

I have probably been pretty lucky that my health has stayed so good for so many years considering what I've made my body endure. We'll see how things go I guess.

Extreme Hunger During Recovery

This article on "extreme hunger" during recovery is spot on about what has been stressing/confusing/frustrating me so much lately in terms of my hunger cues etc. Just posting in case it's useful for someone else too.

Positive updates and new ink

I'm short on time but wanted to do a brief update. I think I've been using the blog to vent when I'm having a hard time and haven't necessarily taken time to talk about what's going right. I think my routine in PhD town is much healthier this year, including:

-Much less exercise, and some of that involving walking my awesome pup and enjoying being outdoors (even when it's cold here, it's usually sunny and beautiful).

-Trying to do more to honor hunger cues. Probably another post on this later. It stresses me out and is hard when I know I have a weigh-in coming up, but H. talked to my physician about doing that less often now unless I start losing again.

-Actually seeing the dietitian regularly; I think she's a keeper.

-Getting to the office earlier in the day (due to change in exercise schedule) and feeling a lot more productive.

-Making a point to actually cook at least once a day instead of grabbing "safe" prepackaged stuff.

-Being more flexible on social plans and hanging out with friends; I have FANTASTIC friends here and I always feel better after time with them.

-Trying to reframe when dealing with X (asshole PhD advisor) and to see him as an annoyance when he's grumpy, not a noose around my neck.

So even though I do have tough days/periods (this past weekend was especially shitty), I think overall I'm in a much better place. Turns out I had gained more weight over the holidays than I expected: UNDERestimating gain instead of OVERestimating is an entirely new thing for me. I think being on an SSRI, after so many years of refusing to try one, has helped me with a lot of the typical body ooglies.

Also, I love having this pup. She is super cuddly and goofy and always a source of comfort or comic relief. Also, having something at home that is dependent on me keeps me more accountable (ie, not so tempted to add extra hours at the gym).

Also, this happened yesterday:

The thought behind this:
1) That spot is one I habitually body-check, and it will be good to have a reality check there instead.
2) "Enough" has two meanings here: first, that I've done enough time being sick, being preoccupied, wasting energy, having birthday parties without cakes and weighing carrots and this that and the other, enough of all that shit that from now on I should be able to do and have pretty much whatever I want.
3) Also that I can be enough as me without the disorder, without putting myself through the wringer just to end up making myself sicker and more removed from life.

Maybe that's kinda corny, but there you go. I'm happy with it.

Love y'all.